I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
