My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
