I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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