After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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