she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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