I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
