Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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