Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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