Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
