i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
