I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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