I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize