I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
