in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
