I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
