Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dick very happy bro
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