I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
