So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
