lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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