just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
