The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
