Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
