I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
