Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize