Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
