I wish my penis had an off switch
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
