You're my little dorito
my shit smells like andre
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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