HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
