I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
