My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My balls are so social today.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
