Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
