tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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