you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
