corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
