Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
