our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize