Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
