I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
