Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
