I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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