Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize