i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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