you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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