A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
