Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
