This is not my ceiling
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
