If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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