I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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