Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
