New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize