no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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