I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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