dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
