That's intense
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
