There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
