this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
